Quotes From "Hogfather" By Terry Pratchett

And then Jack chopped down what was the world's last beanstalk, adding murder and ecological terrorism to the theft, enticement, and trespass charges already mentioned, and all the giant's children didn't have a daddy anymore. But he got away with it and lived happily ever after, without so much as a guilty twinge about what he had done..which proves that you can be excused for just about anything if you are a hero, because no one asks inconvenient questions. Terry Pratchett

You can't give her that! ' she screamed. 'It's not safe! ' I T' S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE.'She's a child! ' shouted Crumley.IT'S EDUCATIONAL.'What if she cuts herself?' T H A T WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON. Terry Pratchett

NAUGHTY AND NICE? said Death. BUT IT'S EASY TO BE NICE IF YOU'RE RICH. IS THIS FAIR?Albert wanted to argue. He wanted to say, Really? In that case, how come so many of the rich buggers is bastards? And being poor don't mean being naughty, neither. Terry Pratchett

IT'S THE EXPRESSION ON THEIR LITTLE FACES I LIKE, said the Hogfather. "You mean sort of fear and awe and not knowing whether to laugh or cry or wet their pants?" YES. NOW THAT IS WHAT I CALL BELIEF. Terry Pratchett

WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU HADN'T SAVED HIM?"Yes! The sun would have risen just the same, yes?" N O" Oh, come on. You can't expect me to believe that. It's an astronomical fact." T H E SUN WOULD NOT HAVE RISEN...."Really? Then what would have happened, pray?" A MERE BALL OF FLAMING GAS WOULD HAVE ILLUMINATED THE WORLD. Terry Pratchett

Dullness. Only humans could have invented it. What imaginations they had. Terry Pratchett

YOU HAVE TO START OUT LEARNING TO BELIEVE THE LITTLE LIES."So we can believe the big ones?" Y E S. JUSTICE. MERCY. DUTY. THAT SORT OF THING. Terry Pratchett

Yes, sir, but the Librarian likes bananas, sir."" Very nourishin' fruit, Mr Stibbons.""Yes, sir. Although, funnily enough it's not actually a fruit, sir."" Really?"" Yes, sir. Botanically, it's a type of fish, sir. According to my theory it's cladistically associated with the Krullian pipefish, sir, which of course is also yellow and goes around in bunches or shoals."" And lives in trees?"" Well, not usually, sir. The banana is obviously exploiting a new niche."" Good heavens, really? It's a funny thing, but I've never much liked bananas and I've always been a bit suspicious of fish, too. That'd explain it. Terry Pratchett

Take the universe and grind it down to the finest powder and sieve it through the finest sieve and then show me one atom of justice, one molecule of mercy. and yet... and yet you act as if there is some ideal order in the world, as if there is some... some rightness in the universe by which it may be judged. Terry Pratchett

Then the Dean repeated the mantra that has had such a marked effect on the progress of knowledge throughout the ages.“ Why don’t we just mix up absolutely everything and see what happens?” he said. And Ridcully responded with the traditional response.“ It’s got to be worth a try, ” he said. Terry Pratchett

It's supposed to be jolly, with mistletoe and holly... and other things ending in olly. Terry Pratchett

Time and space were, from Death's point of view, merely things that he'd heard described. When it came to Death, they ticked the box marked Not Applicable. It might help to think of the universe as a rubber sheet, or perhaps not. Terry Pratchett

Hello, inner child, I'm the inner babysitter! Terry Pratchett

I HAVE MADE THIS FOR YOU. She reached out and took a damp square of cardboard. Water dripped off the bottom. Somewhere in the middle, a few brown feathers seemed to have been glued on. 'Thank you. Er. . what is it?' A L B E R T SAID THERE OUGHT TO BE SNOW ON IT, BUT IT APPEARS TO HAVE MELTED, said Death. IT IS, OF COURSE, A HOGSWATCH CARD.'Oh. .' THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN A ROBIN ON IT AS WELL, BUT I HAD CONSIDERABLE DIFFICULTY IN GETTING IT TO STAY ON. 'Ah..'IT WAS NOT AT ALL COOPERATIVE.'Really. .?'IT DID NOT SEEM TO GET INTO THE HOGSWATCH SPIRIT AT ALL. Terry Pratchett

They always gives me bath salts, " complained Nobby. "And bath soap and bubble bath and herbal bath lumps and tons of bath stuff and I can't think why, 'cos it's not as if I hardly ever has a bath. You'd think they'd take the hint, wouldn't you? Terry Pratchett

The Auditors fluttered anxiously. And, as always happens in their species when something goes radically wrong and needs fixing instantly, they settled down to try to work how who was to blame. Terry Pratchett